very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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