Banned from zoo.
Again?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
