i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
