Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
