you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
