Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
