how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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