i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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