somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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