There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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