When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
