Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just had sex on a roof
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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