I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
