i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I need a beard to bite.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
