So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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