She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
