**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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