If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Randomize
