Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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