it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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