it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
