How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
