I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize