i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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