just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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