I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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