You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
