I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
