Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
