when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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