Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
