I think I died a long time ago.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
