They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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