Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
