What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
