I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
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She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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