I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize