No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
