after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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