OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
