i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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