the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you had me at cake vodka
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
