she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
