I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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