You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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