I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
