My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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