Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
