Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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