hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
