Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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