This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His nipple licking is glorious
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