this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
