I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I party with great urgency now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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